Incel is short for 'involuntary celibate' – which means unable to secure a romantic or sexual partner despite desiring one. The term was coined by a Canadian woman in 1993 who set up a project to discuss her sexual inactivity. Her problem must have been 'romantic' for reasons I will discuss later. It has now grown into an online subculture of men, mainly young men. They moan about their lives and blame everyone else for their problems. This is not the way men should live their lives.
Have you ever overheard a group of women berate and insult men when they thought no one was listening? He ain't worth shit! You should chop it off and throw it out the window. All men are a waste of time. Well, the Incel community is a young male version of this type of antisocial behaviour, but online and more offensive. They hate women for rejecting them. They hate other men for being sexually successful. They hate society for allowing them to fail. They hate their parents for bringing them into the world. They hate. They moan. They whine. Then they retreat back into their computer games to fight orcs.
The recent call, after the Plymouth mass shooting, to brand Incels as terrorists are too simplistic. We have previously blamed comics, movies and video games for turning young men violent. If we aim to stop another deranged killer then we need to understand the problem. Rebranding the boogeyman does not help solve the problem of the boogeyman.
We know we have a problem of violence among a small percentage of young men, it affects many different groups. I still remember football hooliganism in the 80s. Today, young Muslim men occasionally stab or blow-up people they do not know in the name of Allah. Young black men stab each other to death over respect. And in the Plymouth case, a white lunatic shoots dead 5 innocent people – how the hell he had a gun license is beyond me. Not all these young men are complaining about 'a lack of sex' but they are all rejecting a society they feel holds them in contempt.
There are differences between the sexes. Shock. Horror. To say this today is almost a hate crime. One difference is that any woman can have sex on any day and time she wants – she may not know this, but it is true. A problem only occurs if she is picky – she should be picky because she has more at stake to lose in the encounter. The fact that the opportunity for her to have sex is endless, makes it sensible to pick the best choice on offer. Women are the gatekeepers to sexual encounters. Men are constantly knocking.
Men are obviously different. We do not have the same opportunity of access to willing partners as women do. Unless you are homosexual. In general, gay men have the most sexual partners of any group. It makes perfect sense. You have some men who just want sex with men who just want to have sex. A perfect storm. Straight men have a huge barrier to overcome: women. Men need to convince women to have sex with them. This is challenging.
Age-old saying: women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
Modern dating and interaction between the sexes have become more complicated. Social media has not helped the majority. But it has definitely helped a small number of individuals who are the most desirable by advertising them to many more potential partners. A good looking woman will be offered many more dates and can be even pickier than before. A high-value man will have the opportunity to sleep with many more women than he would have a decade ago. Approximately, 15% of single men are sexually active, the rest are hoping for a relationship.
The biggest losers of modern dating are the men way down the pecking order due to poor social skills, below average looks and a lack of financial resources. They can be completely pushed out of the dating game. Resentment awaits. Highlighting such men is nothing new. When I was young they were called 'nerds' – no one wanted to be a 'nerd' until they invented the internet and became billionaires. Women find billionaires attractive for some reason.
The internet has allowed communication and friendships with like-minded people to become easy. It allows ideas from one part of the world to manifest themselves in another almost instantaneously. Not all ideas are of equal value and not all online communities are positive past-times. Self-harming. Suicide. Islamic radicalisation. Underground drill music. Bulimia. Paedophilia. Opting for an electronic life over a real one only exacerbates existing issues.
The answer to Incels are complicated. We need social change to keep fathers in the home. We need to revamp our education system to stop punishing boys for not being girls. We need a welfare system that does not reward poor choices. We need boys raised to be men, not interior versions of women. We need men to rediscover their meaning on earth; to be a protector and a provider.
The Incel community is a reflection of wider society and the cultural norms it promotes. Entitlement. Victimhood mentality. Lack of personal responsibility. You could argue that they are acting out exactly what they have seen around them while growing up. But it is not the way to act if you want to change your life for the better.
For a better tomorrow, some men need to man-up. Men find solutions.
Hi Nick,
Can you please write a post about how educational systems can be better set up to serve boys?