I Don't Want To Be Happy – it's overrated
We have all met them. We all know someone who is never happy and moans about everything. We have worked alongside them, dated them, and even in some cases married them.
They tell you how their bosses are incompetent or how they could run the company better – but they never put themselves forward to do it. Or that everything and everyone has been put on this earth to specifically make their life more difficult and less enjoyable. As you are reading this you are thinking of someone! I know you are.
They seem to crave unhappiness and seek it out wherever it may be. If you give them a choice, they automatically pick the worst option. They convince themselves they have no choice, no options, and no ability to influence change. Personal responsibility is lost in action and has not been since childhood.
This is a type of learnt helplessness. They have learnt how to be unhappy which becomes the default setting. We are attracted to what is comfortable and familiar.
What are the signs of such a negative trait?
- Finding excuses to be miserable when life gets too good
- Rejecting personal responsibility and embracing victimhood
- Competing with others to see who has it the hardest
- Avoiding setting and achieving goals
- Struggling to bounce back when things don't go their way
- Engaging in compulsive behaviours, such as drugs, alcohol, sex, food etc
- Self neglect such as avoiding a healthy diet, regular exercise and adequate sleep
- Feeling enslaved to their emotions and powerless to change
Why would anyone choose to live in perpetual negativity and destruction? What did their parents do to mess them up this bad?
Clinical psychology researchers Martha H. Pieper and William J. Pieper, found that people who exhibit these unhappiness traits often come from stressful, abusive or highly dysfunctional childhoods. When a child grows up in such an environment, it becomes their version of normality.
Different researchers have put forward other possible explanations for an addiction to unhappiness.
- Deeply-rooted insecurity and lack of self-esteem
- Growing up with excessive discipline and unrealistic expectations
- Experiencing trauma
- Underlying mental health disorder
- Feeling guilt and wanting to punish oneself
What I have personally seen in individuals I think are pro-actively unhappy is a tendency to create a self-fulfilling prophecy of their unhappiness. I mean the person who thinks no one likes them so doesn't try to be likeable and therefore people stop engaging with them. This then is used as evidence that no one likes them, so they become more unlikeable and the cycle continues downwards. Or the person who acquires something amazing but slowly denigrates it until it is not worth having. It then becomes another tool used to keep them unhappy, such as a better job, a romantic relationship or a new home.
Can people learn how to be happy in adulthood? Can they overcome this infliction? Of course, they can for we are amazing creatures and are fully in control of our lives – if we want to be.
The first step in solving a problem is to admit you have a problem. This may sound easy but after decades of ignoring the problem, it can be very difficult to see it, locate it or acknowledge it.
Be aware of what triggers your dark thoughts. If you can see Pavlov's bell being struck but cannot smell any food then it probably means you are not being fed. In other words, just because something can go wrong doesn't mean it will go wrong. In fact, it gives you more time than the average person to make sure it does not go wrong. Forewarned is forearmed.
When the old thoughts manifest themselves, and they will, try to remember they are only old coping mechanisms that are now redundant. You need to create new coping mechanisms that are positive and effective, such as going for a walk, speaking to a trusted friend, or writing down all the positives in your life.
Change does not occur overnight. We are complicated animals and making internal changes is hard work. It requires dedication for it is easy to slip back into factory settings mode.
We must consistently reinforce good thoughts and behaviours. Over time, you will change, and eventually so will the meaning of the sound of the bell.
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